Determination

So today I decided to go running at 5:45 pm. It was sunny, it was hot, it was not a good run. I only went 3.4 miles, but I totally felt like I was going to toss my grilled cheese sandwich from lunch. However, I was determined to run the whole thing without stopping...even to stretch...and to run it fairly quickly.

This is one of the reasons I run: determination. For some reason, running develops not only my perseverance, but gives me a great sense of determination. I think, I've been running since middle school, I ran college cross country, I raced at the collegiate level in track, I have pushed through multiple injuries, I have ran miles upon miles in my life, and I KNOW I can work just a little bit harder and meet my goal. This determination I get while running also spills over into my life. If I can be determined in running...why not life? So sometimes as I run I get determined about things in life. Today I was regretting my past, my disobedience to the Lord, and I got the ever familiar sense of determination to do better. I thought, I have walked in obedience before, I have made good choices, I am a daughter of the King, a servant of the master, a sinner saved by grace, a beloved child of God, and I KNOW I can be better and be a woman of God (with His help). I'm not sure why running gives me life determination, but it does. Does it happen for anyone else?

Add: 7 miles running

Inconsistent me...

Hey. *sheepish grin* I've been busy this last week, packing, moving, setting up a new job, etc. etc. BUT I still should have posted the last couple weeks. Karissa and I have been doing Couch to 5k, as you know, and we did four weeks of the 9, before I tweaked my knee. A few days later, my knee felt so much better, but then my hip felt out of whack, and then I had to pack and move, and I didn't have time to run even if I wanted to. So it took us two weeks to do that fourth week. During the fourth week, I ran/walked 6 miles (2 each day). We'll talk and figure out how to pace it so I can get back on track--and stay injury free!

I'll admit, I am very vulnerable to self-hatred. Ironic, you may think, because I have a generally positive attitude, and the gift of encouragement. But for being so encouraging of others, God has been revealing to me about hypocrisy. Hypocrisy can take many forms. The one we're most familiar with is when people have high standards for others, but don't live up to them in their own life. However, hypocrisy is any time we say one thing and do another: the inconsistency in our actions and words, so to speak. God has been working on a kind of hypocrisy in my life: my words. I say really nice things to other people, but I am not always as kind in the kinds of things I say to myself. When my knee hurt, my first thoughts were of failure, frustration, and telling myself that if I didn't just push through it, I'd never develop discipline, and I'd only end up fat and lazy. I would NEVER say any of that to anyone else. Wouldn't even dream of it! So why do I say it to me? Truth comes from God the Father. That is certainly not truth! God has been challenging me to see myself the way that He sees me: a beautiful creation, worthy of being His temple. The "second greatest commandment" comes often to mind these days, as I learn to shape my words to myself: Love your neighbor as yourself. Loving yourself is necessary. Not to excessive, prideful levels, but in a way that reflects back to the Father's love for us: He loves me so much that Jesus died and rose again to cover my sin. And then sent His Spirit to reside in me. If I can believe that for other people, I can believe it for myself.

Mileage: let's say 6 miles, I can't be sure. running/walking, but more running than walking!

What people don't see . . .

Running in town this morning, I passed many familiar places and people. Some people I see quite frequently on my runs and sometimes I wonder what they are thinking when they see me (self-centered I know...). I guess I wonder because when I see people running I always wonder where they have come from, how far they have gone, how hard they are working, why they are running, ect.... I see a person running for a brief moment, that is it, that is all I see. I don't see how much motivation it has taken them to put their running shoes on, I don't see the work they had to put in to get from the couch to running, I don't see the miles they have run, I don't see the pain they may be in, I don't see how tired they may be, I don't see the injuries they may have. Sometimes if you know the person running,  you can see some of these things. For instance, when my grandparents and parents came to my cross country races to watch me run they cried sometimes because they knew the effort I had put out for training and could tell I was working really hard. However, they still could not truly know the motivation it took or the pain I was in.

If Life = Running, this is also true. I see people running all around me. I see brief moments of their paths and scenery and how they run, but their is so much I don't see! When they come to a big hill I don't see their inward struggle, when they run past I don't see the path from which they have come, when it is raining I don't see their heart's battle for courage, when they are injured I don't see the true depth of their pain. No matter how much I try to listen, to know, to observe, no one but the runner themselves sees, knows, and feels these things. There is so much people don't see.

Add: 9.5 miles running

Running on Empty

So, I discovered something today. I love running on empty! An empty stomach that is....I always knew there was a reason why I like running first thing in the morning and that is because my stomach is emptiest at that time of day. I don't like feeling like I have a brick in my stomach or my middle weighs fifteen pounds. When I run on an empty stomach I feel lighter, faster, and it is much more enjoyable. Is it smart? I don't know, but I certainly feel like I run better.

Tonight was beautiful with the golden wheat basking in the last rays of sunlight that stretched across the pink and purple sky. *sigh* How I shall miss running here in Eastern Oregon around my little town. How I shall miss running with Heather and our talks. How I shall miss being able to run whenever I want during the day as many times as I want. How I shall miss being able to scream or yell, sing or talk, cry or laugh out loud while running by myself on these dusty roads. How I shall miss taking 30 minute stops to sit in the wheat fields and watch God set the sun. The treadmill at my new apartment just doesn't seem quite as nice, nor does the rain of Salem. *sigh* I shall miss my home, I've become attached again, never fails.

Add: 3.6 miles running

Not so smart....

It was Sunday, about 1 pm, and I needed out! I tried taking a nap, but I just couldn't fall asleep, I had to do something or else I was going to go crazy. Without much thought I threw on my running shoes and took off. Sometimes when running under emotion I don't really think very straight...About a mile into running I realized I had not eaten since the night before, I was super thirsty, and I hadn't put any sunscreen on. Oh well, I'll be fine. By the time I got to 1.5 miles at the intersection, I knew exactly where I was going, there was a big loop I had been wanting to run, but I hadn't tried it yet. I didn't really know how far it was, but surely it would be far enough to wear me out. The run had some intense hills in it and by the time I got to about mile 5 I was more worn out than I had been in a long time, pretty sure I was getting burned, dieing of thirst, and determined to finish the whole loop running. This got me to thinking about my life = running metaphor....

 Sometimes in life I am running hills so steep it seems I can hardly lift my feet. It is tempting to stop and walk when I am going almost the same pace as walking. I look up and think I see the top of the hill, only to be fooled, for when I get there it is only a slight dip before an even steeper incline. It is tempting to stop and walk when I don't see the top. I wonder how much longer till I reach the downhill? I wonder if I can make it to the top? I wonder if I should just stop and walk? Yet, something I know is that walking in a run is always proceeded by a choice to do so. Never has my body just automatically quit running (except when I got an involuntary calf cramp once in track...). It has ALWAYS been proceeded by a choice in my mind. Walking is a choice. Running is a choice. Sometimes when I'm running steep hills in life I just want to walk, to give in to my pain and give up. It may be isolating myself, stuffing emotions away, taking emotions out on those around me, blaming God, blaming others, asking why, being angry, throwing a pity party....you name it. But, choosing to run those steep hills in life, is choosing to trust God and draw on His strength to get to the top. It is choosing to believe the hill will make you stronger and God has a purpose for you running it. Choosing to run is hard, sometimes I have to make that choice every mile and sometimes I have to make that choice every step.

Well, Sunday I chose to run. I ran the whole 7.5 or 8 miles on the loop in the 80 degree sunshine. When I got to the end my knees hurt, I was burnt, I had blisters on my feet, I had the worst cotton mouth, and my calves were threatening to cramp. It was probably not so smart to go running in the middle of the day without having eaten since the day before....but I needed out.

Add: 13.5 miles running

Running in LaGrande

Well now that I am working in LaGrande I have been running the neighborhood and sidewalks there :) I am loving it! It's fun to see the little kids out playing soccer because it reminds me of my childhood and soccer days! The different smells, and people, and houses...its new! I can't really say I know exactly how far I have been running but Jan showed me what she thought was 2 miles and so I calculate off that. I am always reminding myself like Riss and Dad, that I run because I can. I thank God on the days when the running is hard, that my leg is healed and that I have 2 legs to run with. I feel so blessed to have the health to run and exercise. God is good! So here is my guess for this last week, not going to attempt the weeks before sorry!

Add: 19 miles running

What if ???

What if I couldn't run? What if I had some sort of physical limitation? Or what if I lived back in Victorian times where women were confined to dresses? If I couldn't run I believe it would rank among the top three worst things that could ever happened to me in life. I am so blessed to have a healthy body that can run. SO BLESSED!!!! The other day when we went to the park to play Frisbee golf I saw a young man using a walker because of some problem with his hip joint or legs. It pained me to watch him slowly creep forward step by step. What if that was me?

Running is my escape. Running is my prayer time. Running is my exercise. Running is my heart to heart with friends. Running is my sense of accomplishment. Running is my time with God. Running is my reflection on life. Running is my deepest thinking. Running is my greatest revelations. Running is my self-discipline. Running is my perseverance builder. Running is my adventure in new places. Running is my worship. Running is my daydreaming. Running is my challenge. Running is my de-stresser. Running is my memorization of the Word. Running is my happy place (endorphins). Running is my listening to sermons. Running is my pore cleanser (sweating...haha). Running is my trip down memory lane. Running is my favorite hobby. Running is my most treasured gifts from God. Running is my emotional detox. Running is my very survival.

Lately, most of my running has been for emotional detox. I have to get rid of pent up energy somehow. I'm so grateful to be able to run because it is a healthy way to do this. Other options might be turning to drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating disorders, ect...but, praise God He gave us running and really any form of exercise! Dad, you use to tell me that I always pitched harder when I was angry...haha. Sometimes, I feel like I can't run for long enough or hard enough to fully rid myself of thoughts or emotions. I wonder if taking on some other form of exercise that is more aggressive such as boxing, or martial arts, would help me to fully cleanse my emotions?

Dad, as you always say, I run because I can. PRAISE GOD!

Add: 5 miles

No matter how far I go...

Discipline: 

1. To punish or penalize for the sake of enforcing obedience and perfecting moral character

2. To train or develop by instruction and exercise especially in self-control  

 

Running requires discipline. Probably more in the sense of the second definition above concerning developing and exercising self-control. It takes discipline to get out of bed to run, it takes discipline to run when the weather is awful, it takes discipline to keep running when the pain comes. 

 

Life also requires discipline, especially for those who have been saved by Christ. I used to consider myself a very disciplined person, mostly because that is how people described me. However, somewhere in the last four years of my life I lost my discipline. I let go. I was fooled by the beautiful mirage of the world, deceived by its lies. In losing my discipline, I compromised, I believed lies, I let my emotions lead me. This happened in various areas of my life, one of which led to an eating disorder. Every single place I lost discipline in I have regrets. My lack of discipline was lack of obedience to the Lord. Sometimes I think...maybe if I run far enough I can escape the emotions in my heart. Maybe if I run long enough I can forget the regrets which fill my soul. But I can't. I will suffer the consequences for my decisions I have made, I will never get back things which I have lost. However, I CAN choose to be disciplined again. I will not be fooled by the lies of this world any longer, for I know what promises to be satisfying only leaves you empty and full of shame. 

 

So I am picking back up and renewing those principles, truths, and commitments that once made me who I was. That held me in obedience before the Lord. I will do everything possible within my grasp (and with God's help) to avoid compromise, to be disciplined. I will take to heart the warning which I ignored before, "So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!" 1 Corinthians 10:12. God has shown me my lack of discipline and obedience. Despite what I have done, he has got my attention. As I wrote in my latest song (which you are all probably tired of hearing...haha) "No matter how far I go, You will bring me home."

Let us be disciplined not only in our running, but in our lives!

Add: 14.5 running

Wind--my least favorite element

Wind has always been my least favorite element. It takes my breath sometimes, it pelts rain against my face, and it blows dust across my path. I can handle rain or snow, but coupled with wind it seems unbearable to me.

On my run this evening I once again encountered the wind as I ran up the hill out of town. I must admit at first I was quite put out by the wind because it made going uphill even more difficult. However, as I passed the cemetery I had a change of thought. I run past the cemetery a lot, I walk up to it often, and occasionally I sit and think in it. There is something alluring and compelling that draws me to it. Some people find cemeteries creepy (I'm sure there are some pretty scary ones), but not me. To me a cemetery is a reminder essential to my life. In a cemetery lie the bones of people who have lived--good, bad, successful, rich, poor, lonely, all types of people. Now, they all hold one thing in common, death. A cemetery reminds me life is but a midst that appears for a little while and then vanishes. We are not invisible. We have no control on whether we wake up tomorrow. A cemetery makes me imagine the different lives of those who occupy it. It makes me think about what I'm doing in my life. Life is short. I am guilty of taking days, blessings, people, all for granted. A cemetery is a reminder essential to my life, it reminds me I AM ALIVE.

I'm thankful for the wind . . . for the shortness of breath, for the pain in my side, for the wind against my body . . . because it reminds me I am alive. The Lord has not called me home, so He must still have me on this earth for a reason. I am alive--I can think, feel, move, see, touch. I am thankful to be alive, no matter what life brings.

Add: 7 miles running

Nearing the 50 Marker

Guilty is one way of saying it. Having last posted April 16. I know this mileage is wrong and its sources questionable but hey, most of the family is guilty of this and I guess I am no better. I have a couple 2 mile walks with Shelley, a 12 mile bike ride, two 3 mile bike rides with 1 mile runs, and a 3 mile ride with a 3 mile run. Then their are a couple of 2 mile runs in Veneta each time I visited Sharon & Ken. This is all on top of some treadmill miles which I think came out to be 2.25 miles twice. Then three times the 2.5 feed lot run and the 3.8 triangle which I rarely use anymore because the neighbors lab follows me home. Then there are four 3 mile grave yard runs with the early morning sun in the eyes coming back down the hill into town. Lastly but not least there are three 2 mile jags about town. Now as to the 50 marker? Well August I will be 50 and then it should get easier....you know all is down hill. I have this question in my head, "why do I run?", to which I always answer because I still can. Some day my miles will be walking or biking only but today I can still stride out and run sooo....

I guess all this is adding up to something like:

2 miles walking
21 biking
43 running

Square 1?

Am I back to Square 1? I feel so out of shape, so sluggish. The last two weeks I have been horrible about working out! Thank goodness Heather and I have been doing the Couch to 5K because if it weren't for her I would be hardly moving. I have been on about three runs, once it was after 18 hrs of driving in two days and I felt as if I was going to upchuck my fast food...another time I was sucking wind so bad I stopped to walk like three times....and my last run was pretty good due to the fact I was a bit angry. Anyways, I guess about 8.5 miles of running and 4 miles of other since I last posted. Part of the problem this last week was that I spent 3 days just driving! I never wanted to get back in the car again, my calves and back were killing me.

Aside from driving, I have this other problem--getting up when my alarm goes off. Most of my life I have been a pretty disciplined person about never hitting the snooze....well, scratch that, my sister woke me up all throughout high school....okay, in college I was disciplined about waking up to my alarm and as Madi says, jumping straight out of bed. However, this summer, I can't do it! My alarm goes off, I hit dismiss, and sleep for another two or three hours till I finally drag myself out of bed. I have been SOOOOOO tired in the last month! I sleep for eight to ten hours a night and then have one to three hour naps during the day. Maybe the sleep deprivation of college is catching up to me finally, I don't know. What is the problem you might ask? Well, I like working out in the morning, so if I don't get up somewhat early I don't really want to workout. Also, someday my life will be normal again and I will have a purpose and somewhere to actually be called work. So I have to be disciplined again at some point. Maybe when I have a reason to get out of bed I will actually do it, who knows.

Anyways, I want to feel purposeful, to get out of bed, to workout, to be motivated, and to embrace every single morning as a gift from my Lord. It may take awhile to get back to that, but it is where I want to be. I entitled this blog Strides, referring not only to the stride of the leg in running, but also the strides we make in life. Heather is making strides in both :) which is inspiring. I wish I could say I have made some strides in life as of recent, but I almost feel as if I have gone backwards, but then again, maybe that is the only path to going forward again. 

People, aka fam, if you read this, you should really post mileage and if not that, then something about life. We are in Idaho by the way, keep up the good work!